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Trust!
Trust can be difficult to build in a broken world. Far too often we simply live in our broken trust, building walls between each other. This reminds me of a man rescued from a deserted island.
A ship was sailing past a remote island and discovered a man who had been stranded there for several years. They went ashore to rescue the man and noticed he had built three huts for himself. They asked him, “What is the first hut for?”
He said, “That’s my house.” “Ok, so what’s the second hut for?” “That’s my church.” “Ok, so what’s that other hut over there for?” “Oh… that. That’s the church I used to go to.”
Trust is so easily broken, but every relationship needs trust to succeed. So, today we are going to explore the role of trust in our lives.
- First, Trust God!
Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
If we are not aligned with God in the drivers seat, we are out of alignment from the very start. Submission to God, actively seeking His will for your life opens you up to learning and allowing the Holy Spirit to change your life and when that happens you will do better in all your relationships.
- Why is trust important?
Trust is important in a relationship because it provides a sense of security, safety, and emotional intimacy. It is a foundational element of a strong relationship. Here are 5 benefits trust provides in a relationship:
- Creates security!
Trust allows people to feel secure and confident in each other’s reliability and integrity, knowing they have each other’s back.
- Builds intimacy!
A trusting relationship is one where partners can be vulnerable, share their true selves, and feel a deeper connection.
- Enhances Communication!
When trust is present, communication is more effective and honest because partners feel safe expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement.
- Fosters emotional well-being!
Trust reduces jealousy and insecurity, allowing for a more harmonious and stable connection, and providing reassurance that the relationship can withstand disagreements.
- Helps overcome challenges!
A strong foundation of trust helps partners navigate life’s challenges together and facilitates conflict resolution.
Ok, I’m sure we can all agree, trust is vital to a healthy relationship. But how do we build trust? Here are four steps to build trust:
- Identify what we’re really feeling.
Psalm 139:23, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
This is the type of honesty we need to have as we identify our own feelings as we navigate our relationships. Seeking God to help us understand why we are having anxious thoughts.
If we don’t understand our own feelings, how can we expect others to understand us?
- Share those feelings honestly and with vulnerability.
You need to own those feelings, they are yours. Also, in identifying and sharing your feelings don’t project them or motives onto the person you are sharing them with.
Ephesians 4:25, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”
- Listen with empathy, reflect, and validate the other person’s experience.
James 1:19, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,”
I don’t know about you all, but I struggle with this step. I have to work on listening and specifically showing the other person that I am listening. Using clarifying questions is a good way to do that.
Or you can review what you are hearing to make sure this is what they intended for you to hear.
I can replay conversations in my head, but if the other person doesn’t know that I am listening with proof of hearing, they can walk away feeling unheard.
When we show the other person that we were listening, they feel validated and in turn it builds trust in the relationship.
- Meet one another’s needs through forgiveness, compromise and action.
Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
This is where it should all come together. We need to give the other person the same grace that we ourselves would want to receive. Every relationship, if it is to succeed in the long run needs to have compromise.
Seek understanding, why does someone act the way they do? How did their past effect how they react in our relationship?
As we seek understanding with one another we reinforce trust.
- Dealing with broken trust!
Here are 4 keys to help you deal with broken trust.
- Acknowledge your wound and be honest with yourself.
It’s ok to admit that something has hurt your feelings. That is healthy, but don’t stop there. You need to be honest with that hurt. You don’t need to blow it up into something bigger than it is in order to defend how you are feeling.
The simple fact that you are hurt is sufficient enough. Then deal with it honestly. If it is a hurt that is a 5 out of 10 you don’t have to call it an 8 to make your point.
Once you are honest with the degree of hurt you have it then allows you to honestly recognize where the hurt comes from. What part comes from the other person? What part comes from your personal past? Did the other person have anything to do with your past?
This leads to the 2nd key:
- Own your part!
In every relationship and every interaction, you have at least 2 contributing factors. One from you and one from the other person.
If a large part of your hurt comes from issues in your past and the other person is simply triggering your trauma you need to be able to own your feelings without putting it all on the other person.
This is a great place where self-awareness will help you deal honestly with the situation.
The next key will help you own your part:
- Ask God for wisdom!
James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
Ask God! If you are truly seeking understanding you can ask God to help you.
In this process it is imperative that you look honestly at yourself and at the situation you find that is breaking trust. It also requires that you to be self-reflecting, honestly evaluating your feelings and why you are reacting the way you are and reflective enough to acknowledge when you are wrong or need to self-correct.
The 4th key:
- Guard your heart!
Lack of forgiveness results in a hard and bitter heart.
Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Guarding your heart means you keep it soft to those you are in relationship with. It means you pursue truth and understanding. It means you do the internal work to understand yourself and take responsibility for yourself.
- What to do:
- If you broke trust:
Acknowledge it, repent, confess it and ask forgiveness from the person you offended. Take responsibility for the harm that you caused.
Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
- If you were hurt:
First pray, then forgive. Don’t allow the hurt to cause alienation of the relationship. Seek reconciliation by confrontation.
Matthew 18:15-17, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
That is the biblical model of reconciliation.
Now, let me address one other issue. Have you ever met someone who is always getting offended? Here is what the Bible says about being easily offended.
In 1st Corinthians 13 it says that love is not easily provoked.
Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Proverbs 19:11, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
I think this shows us that we should not be easily offended.