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How Can Two People Have Three Opinions?

Communication—or more specifically, communication failures—is one of the leading factors in marriage struggles. Unrealistic expectations, conditions, differing values, and immaturity often add strain to how we relate to our spouse.

So how do we navigate these murky waters? Let’s begin with a story.

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and shared no secrets—except one. The wife kept a shoebox in her closet and forbade her husband from ever opening it. When she was on her deathbed, she gave him permission. Inside, he found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me,” she explained, “that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d only been angry with him once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she replied, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Five Elements of Marital Conflict and Communication

1. Love & Respect

• Men, what is your one word?

• Ladies, what is your one word?

Love and respect must be given unconditionally. How are you doing with that? If you think you’re doing well, the proof should be seen in your spouse.

Remember: we are not perfect. Every day is another opportunity to demonstrate love and respect.

2. Realistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations set both your partner and your relationship up for failure.

• Men: You can love her like a princess, but don’t expect her to act like one.

• Ladies: This may be a shock, but you didn’t marry Prince Charming. He isn’t a knight riding in on a white stallion to rescue you from life’s disappointments.

When we expect perfection and wake up to a real person, disappointment, frustration, anger, and disillusionment follow.

Unrealistic expectations not only sabotage your relationship, they sabotage your own happiness.

Expectations are normal—and even healthy—but they must be realistic.

Ask yourself:

• How often do you and your spouse discuss expectations?

• Do you know your spouse’s expectations of you?

Dating is a great time to identify your non-negotiables (e.g., for Christians, a potential spouse should also be a believer). Just keep those expectations realistic.

3. Rules for Resolving Conflict

Every couple should establish “fair fight rules.” For younger couples, set these early. For seasoned couples, set them before your next conflict.

A. Be willing to share when you are hurt.
Matthew 18:15 – “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.”
Go to your spouse directly—not your mom, sibling, or friend. Unresolved conflict builds walls between you.

B. The goal isn’t to get even.
1 Peter 3:8–9 – “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing.”
Getting even means you both lose. Marriage isn’t about scoring points—it’s about making things right. Assume the best in each other.

C. Don’t let anger or issues go unresolved.
Ephesians 4:26–27 – “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
This doesn’t mean you must stay up all night hashing it out. It means don’t leave conflicts to fester. Unresolved issues build walls. Tear them down.

D. Learn to say, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
Matthew 5:23–24 – “First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
Whether you’re the offended or the offender, you are responsible to seek reconciliation. Everyone has “stuff” in a relationship—own yours.

4. Forgiveness

How many times should we forgive our spouse?

Matthew 18:21–22 – “Not seven times, but seventy times seven.”

Forgiveness is ongoing. It means letting go and refusing to keep a record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:4–5 – “Love… keeps no record of wrongs.”

When old mistakes get dragged into new arguments, it shows that forgiveness hasn’t taken place. True forgiveness mirrors the forgiveness God offers us—complete and without conditions.

Confession also matters. Without confession, forgiveness cannot be received.

5. Reconciliation

Reconciliation means restoring friendly relations—not simply “agreeing to disagree” or “putting up with it.”

Joel 2:12–13 – “Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate.”

True reconciliation comes from the heart. Just as we seek reconciliation with God, we must also seek it with each other.

Isaiah 55:7 – “Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy… for he will freely pardon.”

If God freely pardons us, how can we do less for our spouse?